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Fluctuating Desires

by Michelle Lindblom

Fluctuating Desires – Not sure if it is the change in season or my age or my unfettered freedom to do as I please or the current world order, but my present creative malaise is prompting me to rethink what I do in the studio and why.

I am an intuitive painter when I am in the flow. But lately I’ve been spending too much time overthinking my next move. Also, as an empath, I feel everything around me. This does not mean I attempt to solve all the world’s problems or even my own little corner of the world problems, but simply that I feel everything. It’s a weight that is difficult, rewarding on occasion, but more often a burden in the studio when I am attempting to create from within, from my soul. All the noise around me wants equal attention and I cannot seem to turn it down, much less turn it off.

I feel too much. I want to disconnect, disengage, disappear in order to find my true self and true desire. Why is it necessary to go to extremes in order to reconnect? Well, for one thing, I harbor a great deal of experiences, opinions, feelings, revelations, confrontations, in other words, a lot of baggage that has become a drag on my psyche. You would think that those experiences and knowledge base would assist and inform my current life. Yes, you would think, but sometimes they just get in the way. It could be that because now more than at any time in history change happens, not in decades, not in months, but daily, even by the minute. There is little time to contemplate or get used to that change.

I do fairly well in the adaptability department, always have, but geez…things are whizzing at and by me at break neck speed. With all the fluctuation, my desires seem to shift, and on a daily basis. Finding my creative desires, learning the nuances, adapting to the inevitable shifts in those desires is how I can stay in that infinite game of constant change. I have to be okay with this new modus operandi.

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